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In this digital era of “friending”, it’s usually a good thing to be “friended” from the start! But when it comes to dating, that friend label can get you stuck in a rut. Clients often ask, “Why is it so easy for some people to automatically get stuck in the friend zone"?
Dating is complicated, especially when it comes to expectations! We’re often attracted to people who make us laugh and feel good about ourselves. The problem is -- many times, that turns into romantic feelings for one person and not for the other. Unfortunately, for some people, it’s either a “safe” place to be and they don’t want to put themselves out there because it’s scary -- or -- they’re just not paying attention to the signs.
So let’s start with the people who see everyone as “just friends” and aren’t finding love. If that is you, it’s time to take a “selfie”. No, we don’t mean the digital kind, but the emotional version. If you’ve been dating for a while and you slap a “friend” label on just about everyone you meet, it’s time to take some personal inventory. Ask yourself -- what’s holding me back? What am I really looking for? Do I really want to take that next step? Taking an emotional selfie will help you figure out if you are ready to really open yourself up to a new relationship.
Once you’re ready to let your guard down, then you can give chemistry a chance! We always tell our clients at IJL to remember that their soul mate may not check all of the boxes on their list on the first date. Many people think that if they don’t have that instantaneous “spark”, that there’s no chance for love. However, love can grow if you’re open and patient. Sometimes it takes a few interactions to truly see the person sitting across from you. Obviously, if after a few dates there still isn’t a spark, then it’s probably best to move on. However, we always encourage our clients to not make a quick decision that someone is “just a friend” if that first impression wasn’t what they imagined it should be.
So, what if we find ourselves in the “friend zone” and want to escape it? What should we do?
One of the best ways to escape the “friend zone” is by being “unfriendly”. No, this does not mean that you have to turn into a jerk. It just means that you have to make it less easy for the other person to take you for granted by being less available. If one person is always available, he or she becomes the ‘fall back friend’. People often assign worth to what (or who) they have to work for, and if you make yourself too available the other person cannot always see your true value because they feel they already have you. This is not to encourage you to play games, but to see the value of your own time and attention.
You also have to be bold! Be honest about your feelings and your needs. If you want to take the relationship to the next level, you have to talk about it. This can be the hardest thing to do because you run the risk of having the other person “reject” you. Unless you ask or talk about it, you could stay stuck in the ‘friend zone’ forever.
Sometimes, the other person just doesn’t want to take it to the next level. And that’s tough to hear. But you have to always be honest with yourself. If you try to be more than friends and the other person just isn’t that “in” to you, then you have to decide if you still want to keep the relationship going. If it’s too difficult, maybe it’s time to move on. You deserve someone who is as excited about you as you are about them. Don’t forget that!